One girl’s frizz

I have been unhappy with my hair this week.

No false modesty here, I have great hair. When it’s good, it’s really good. I’ve been propositioned to sell it*. It’s thick, and strong. It has body and volume. But when it’s bad, it’s bad. 

My hair was unruly on Monday. Not Fantasy-Novel-Princess-Surveys-Windy-Plains-As-Her-Curls-Fly-About unruly. No. Frizzy, fly-away, dry, crazy-lady unruly. I was too sick and busy to care enough to do anything about it. 

Then a monk told me my hair was gorgeous. “Just absolutely gorgeous,” he said again. A monk. A classmate of mine, upon entering the classroom and before saying hello, commented on how awesome my hair looks. I look at it and it still seems frizzy and dry. 

So, ok. Everyone? Let’s just stop being mean to ourselves. Because clearly, as a species, we have no fucking clue what other people find attractive.

Read all the beauty magazines you want, it’s still a total crap shoot. Evidenced by the backlash against the most recent episode of HBO’s Girls, “One Man’s Trash” (which may well deserve its own blog post, if I can convince myself that the world needs another internet opinion on Girls), we love to pretend that there is some universal attractiveness rubric, and then BOOM, beautiful chiseled Patrick Wilson goes and fucks Lena Dunham, whose thighs touch, and everything we thought we knew was wrong and the internet explodes. Jesus christ. 

I know it sounds hokey to tell you to remember, the next time you’re hating on something about your appearance, that someone out there thinks it looks awesome, but literally, that is what happens. Somebody thinks my frizzy hair looks gorgeous. Somebody wants to bang that fat ass. 

 

*At this point, you should know that the only way I would sell my hair is if the love of my life were in need of a watch chain. 

Conditional praise of the sweater dress

I own 2 sweater dresses and they are probably my favorite work-wear that I own. I had to really hunt for them though because, at least recently, most sweater dresses are slinky, short little tubes of stretchy wool .

Guys, if I’m looking to swathe my entire body in sweater material, I am probably not feeling like a sex kitten, ok?

But the right sweater dress is a miraculous thing. The two I own are A-line and swishy, but they look polished and professional. Much like the blazer made of sweatshirt material, the sweater dress masquerades as business-wear while feeling like pajamas.

A sweater dress is what you wear when your city is at the very, very fringe of the hurricane and you are in no danger whatsoever but the weather is just icky.

Outfits for weirdly specific occasions may become a regular feature on this blog.

Who Did We Love and Who Did We Hate: Oscar 2012 Edition

Servicable. That’s generally how I felt about last night’s red carpet and ceremony. When a Meryl Streep win is your big surprise upset, well, your sense of theatricality has faltered. And Hollywood wonders why it has to beg people to see movies these days. There weren’t any swans or backward tuxedos this year, but I’m sure we can find something to talk about.

Kristen Wiig

Image from Just Jared
Say one thing for this girl–she is consistent. In keeping with her sadsack SAG Awards dress, Kristen came to the Oscars as a Sad Dust Mop. Get it together, Wiig.

Sandra Bullock

Image by Red Carpet Fashion Awards
Loved it. I’ve heard criticism that the front was too blousy, but I disagree. I think it’s beautifully draped in contrast to the slim hip she’s working and va-va-voom back.

Rooney Mara

Image by Constantce Zahn
This dress was divisive. I agree with the esteemed Fug Girls that it could have used better tailoring, but not so much that I think it ruined the overall ensemble. Rooney Mara has an unusual look and she’s running with it. I liked the quirky, ethereal fabric and the whimsical bustline. It felt like a grown-up, less angsty Lydia Deetz. Has Tim Burton cast this girl yet? You know that’s coming.

Jennifer Lopez


Image by Pop Sugar
It’s not so much the fabric or the cut of this dress that is a problem for me, but the smell. Yes, even through the television screen, this dress reeks. Of desperation. As for her areola’s star turn on the stage? Let’s not dignify that with a response.

Melissa McCarthy

Image by The Mirror
I’m calling out Melissa’s friends, because they are straight up bitches. Some douchebag stylist wraps your friend in a cloud of vomit colored chiffon and you say nothing? Bitches. Those sleeves. THOSE SLEEVES! Lorelai Gilmore, where are you when we need you to mercifully dump coffee on an unacceptable dress!? Melissa, please call. I can help.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Image by LuxeFinds
People have feelings about this dress. I nearly left it out of my recap because I don’t really get all of the hoohah about it, but I felt like I would be remiss not to include it for discussion. Is it really so polarizing? It’s a white column. Yeah, sure, there’s a cape. But not like, A Cape. I think it’s…nice. Perfectly…nice. Elegant, if a little dull. Of course, I was perhaps the only person on the planet who didn’t love GOOP’s celebrated [Ed.Note: ill-fitting, wrinkled, cheap-looking] pink frock at the 1999 Oscar’s, so maybe I have a blind spot when it comes to Gwyneth.

Viola Davis

Image by IBtimes
Boy, I really want to like this dress. The color is a knock-out and the general sillouette is nice. But it looks like someone took a box cutter to the hem. Also, her boobs. They are not right. They sort of look like how boobs might appear on a statue sculpted by a person who had never actually seen boobs before, but whose assistant had described them verbally.

Shailene Woodley

It was nice of Shailene to drop by after her wedding to Warren Jeffs.

Sherri Shepherd

Image by Highlight Hollywood
Did you…did you think we wouldn’t notice? That is just straight up your bra. I don’t even know why you’re AT the Oscars, but lady, have the decency to wear the right undergarments. You’ve got a lot to keep up; I feel ya. But maybe that dress is not for you. Even your highly visible bra is not doing them justice.

Octavia Spencer

Image from Just Jared
I covet this dress. It hits the all important WOW factor without the unfortunate …WHOA factor.

Both Ellie Kemper and Berenice Bejo looked fantastic, but I have little more to say other than: Shiny! Pretty!

I take three things away from this year’s Red Carpet:

  1. Kate Middleton really did bring back sleeves in formal wear.
  2. Wedding dresses for red carpet?
  3. Hollywood stylists still wholey flummoxed by boobs.

Who Did We Love and Who Did We Hate: SAG Awards

It’s still relevant if I write about a red carpet event almost a week later, right?

Lea Michele

Image from Celebuzz
Girl, I get it. You play a teenager on television and you don’t want to get typecast. But I don’t need to give you a pelvic exam to believe that you can play adult.
Also, it would probably play a little less desperate if there weren’t photos of you deliberately pulling your skirt back as you walk to show more leg. I’m just sayin’.

Melissa McCarthy

Image from Chicago Now
Who hasn’t found one dress they like and bought it in 4 different colors? I’m guilty. But while I like this dress on its own, I am pretty sure I’ve seen MM walk 4 different red carpets in it in the last year, with slight variations in color and neckline. And I mean slight. Here, let me show you. You’re a celebrity now. Either the studio is paying for your dress, or a designer is donating it. Live it up a little.

Jayma Mays

Image by FabSugar
When you can make a floor length gown covered in sequins look understated and elegant, you have won the red carpet. Cap sleeves, so often misused, work perfectly on her frame and the peekaboo back ensures that the whole thing doesn’t get a little too precious. Simple hair and bare arms (no bling) complete the look. 

 Meryl Streep

Image from The Washington Post
“Martin, pull that curtain down and hand me the belt that farmhand left behind. I want to see how far I can push this red carpet thing before they stop handing me awards.”

Emily Blunt

Image by Celebuzz
Lea, this is how one rocks a slit like a grown-up. Killer color, love the wrapped look of the bodice, wish the hair was a little less whoops I was walking my dog and ended up at The SAG Awards.

Rose Byrne
Thou Shalt Not Wear A Jumpsuit
Image by The Huffington Post
Ye shall not wear of the garment that is a shirt and pants as one and also of the formal fashion; it is an abomination. So sayeth the Lord.

Amber Riley
I like big bows and I cannot lie
Image by Red Carpet Fashion Awards
Conventional fashion wisdom would say that a rack like Amber’s does not need the added volume of a big ole bow, but I love this dress and I love it on her. Am I wrong? Is is boob-empathy? Can I simply not say no to a lace/taffeta combo? (I can’t. I just can’t!)

Kristen Wiig

Image by The Fashion Court
Can we please skip your Tina Fey phase where you are a beautiful woman who doesn’t know how to dress herself because she’s a comedian? I can’t do this again. Everyone is hating on the choker, but I think it’s the least of her problems. The dress is drab and sadsacky. Like, she literally looks like a sack who is sad.

Busy Phillips 

Image by Mix1065fm
One of my favorite things about Michelle Williams is that she always brings BFF Busy Phillips as her date to award shows. I love Busy Phillips and I wish she were more famous (where’s the Freaks and Geeks love, Judd? You’ve basically produced star vehicles for every dude on that show) because she is hilarious.  So it is with a heavy heart that I say to Busy, WTF? Did you just roll up to a red carpet looking like a Sister Wife?!
That’s all for me. Who did you love and who did you hate?

Who Did We Love and Who Did We Hate: Critic’s Choice Edition

Once upon a livejournal, I used to write Red Carpet recaps for the Oscars, so I figured I’d continue that tradition and expand it a little to other Red Carpet events.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Michelle Williams

Image from Just Jared
 I think Michelle pretty much killed it in this dress. If you hit both classy and interesting (without wandering into boring or garish), it’s pretty easy to make it into my “liked” column. This dress, with its dreamy ivory satin, has a hint of the bedroom without looking like a nightie and a taste of Gatsby without looking like a costume.

Chloe Moretz

Image from Just Jared
Is she a LARP-er now? Sorry, Princess Ravenstone of the Chanel Clan, but I hate this.

Mindy Kaling

Image from Just Jared
I have mixed feelings about this dress. On one hand, it flaunts her rocking figure. On the other, it’s a little snoozy, especially coming from someone I know loves fashion so much. I suspect up close, the fabric is a lot more interesting, but in photos, it comes across a little bit like a yoga dress. On the other hand: SHOES! Behold them and know that their very sight turns me into an outdated meme. They’re so sparkly! Covet.

Diane Kruger

Image by The Mirror
If you squint your eyes a little, it looks like someone screen printed Sailor Moon’s hair onto Diane’s grey dress. And that isn’t my main problem with this dress! Mostly, I cannot get over how weird it makes her boobs look. DK is not one of ample bosom, but it looks less like she has a modest chest and more the top half of each breast is actually missing. Or like her breasts have phases like the moon and they’re currently in waxing crescent.

That’s probably enough for a show like the Critic’s Choice awards. Stay tuned – it’s awards season.