The Groupon Diaries: Stars on Ice

Groupon Price: $33 (per ticket)
Original Value: $78
Participants: Me, Chris, Abby, Thalia (Abby’s Mom)

“He looks like what the baby in Labyrinth would have grown up to look like if Jareth had kept him” Chris and I trash talked costumes one Saturday afternoon, watching U.S. Figure Skating Championships and we speculated that it would be really fun to see a live show. I’m tempted to say that I love figure skating, but I don’t follow it regularly enough to be a real fan. I know the big names and some of the jargon, but I cannot tell the difference between an axel and a salchow in motion. I just know that I generally like things that involve serious badassery, artistic showmanship, and sequins.

Just that week, Groupon came along, advertising tickets to Stars on Ice. Serendipity! I texted Chris, and chatted Abby, who had already seen the deal and was considering getting tickets as a surprise for her mom, the inimitable Thalia. (Inimitable? We impersonate her all of the time! Though…it never stands up to the original.)

On Saturday, Chris and I arrived at Consol Energy Center early, thinking we’d get Burgatory for dinner. Burgatory was closed. Boo. It was difficult to rally after losing the dream of the Caramel Pretzel Milkshake, but we shook it off and hit the normal concession stand. I ordered a Buffalo Chicken Hoagie without the Buffalo (spice wuss), which, of course, came with the Buffalo, so Chris, gem that he is, ate the sandwich and gave up his pizza.

We met up with Abby and Thalia, who still had no idea what her gift was and thought she was seeing a hockey game. After the big reveal, she was delighted, and we settled into out seats.

There was some half-assed attempt at a cohesive theme (Love and Life. Seriously. The next show should be called Things.) which was fully unnecessary because…. badassery, showmanship, sequins! That’s your theme, right there.

Kurt Browning had impressive height to his jumps considering he’s about a million years old in skater years. Sasha Cohen appears to have no bones in her legs.  The ice dancers were pretty boring, because ice dancing seems pretty boring next to pairs skating, where a small mistake can literally translate into bone crushing death. Also, brother/sister dancing couples creep me out. The pairs skaters didn’t disappoint with the death-defying stunts, throwing out some tricks I’d bet aren’t competition legal. Sarah Hughes, the 2002 Olympic Gold Medalist, stepped onto the ice once, cruised lazily around the ice, and went backstage to collect her paycheck and have a nap on her laurels. Ryan Bradley (or Bradley Ryan) was young and charming and did backflips.

All he wanted to do was dance. And flip.

I think I would buy this Groupon again. If I had to pay full price? I’d still go, but sit in the cheap seats.


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