Who Did We Love and Who Did We Hate: Oscar 2012 Edition

Servicable. That’s generally how I felt about last night’s red carpet and ceremony. When a Meryl Streep win is your big surprise upset, well, your sense of theatricality has faltered. And Hollywood wonders why it has to beg people to see movies these days. There weren’t any swans or backward tuxedos this year, but I’m sure we can find something to talk about.

Kristen Wiig

Image from Just Jared
Say one thing for this girl–she is consistent. In keeping with her sadsack SAG Awards dress, Kristen came to the Oscars as a Sad Dust Mop. Get it together, Wiig.

Sandra Bullock

Image by Red Carpet Fashion Awards
Loved it. I’ve heard criticism that the front was too blousy, but I disagree. I think it’s beautifully draped in contrast to the slim hip she’s working and va-va-voom back.

Rooney Mara

Image by Constantce Zahn
This dress was divisive. I agree with the esteemed Fug Girls that it could have used better tailoring, but not so much that I think it ruined the overall ensemble. Rooney Mara has an unusual look and she’s running with it. I liked the quirky, ethereal fabric and the whimsical bustline. It felt like a grown-up, less angsty Lydia Deetz. Has Tim Burton cast this girl yet? You know that’s coming.

Jennifer Lopez

Image by Pop Sugar
It’s not so much the fabric or the cut of this dress that is a problem for me, but the smell. Yes, even through the television screen, this dress reeks. Of desperation. As for her areola’s star turn on the stage? Let’s not dignify that with a response.

Melissa McCarthy

Image by The Mirror
I’m calling out Melissa’s friends, because they are straight up bitches. Some douchebag stylist wraps your friend in a cloud of vomit colored chiffon and you say nothing? Bitches. Those sleeves. THOSE SLEEVES! Lorelai Gilmore, where are you when we need you to mercifully dump coffee on an unacceptable dress!? Melissa, please call. I can help.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Image by LuxeFinds
People have feelings about this dress. I nearly left it out of my recap because I don’t really get all of the hoohah about it, but I felt like I would be remiss not to include it for discussion. Is it really so polarizing? It’s a white column. Yeah, sure, there’s a cape. But not like, A Cape. I think it’s…nice. Perfectly…nice. Elegant, if a little dull. Of course, I was perhaps the only person on the planet who didn’t love GOOP’s celebrated [Ed.Note: ill-fitting, wrinkled, cheap-looking] pink frock at the 1999 Oscar’s, so maybe I have a blind spot when it comes to Gwyneth.

Viola Davis

Image by IBtimes
Boy, I really want to like this dress. The color is a knock-out and the general sillouette is nice. But it looks like someone took a box cutter to the hem. Also, her boobs. They are not right. They sort of look like how boobs might appear on a statue sculpted by a person who had never actually seen boobs before, but whose assistant had described them verbally.

Shailene Woodley

It was nice of Shailene to drop by after her wedding to Warren Jeffs.

Sherri Shepherd

Image by Highlight Hollywood
Did you…did you think we wouldn’t notice? That is just straight up your bra. I don’t even know why you’re AT the Oscars, but lady, have the decency to wear the right undergarments. You’ve got a lot to keep up; I feel ya. But maybe that dress is not for you. Even your highly visible bra is not doing them justice.

Octavia Spencer

Image from Just Jared
I covet this dress. It hits the all important WOW factor without the unfortunate …WHOA factor.

Both Ellie Kemper and Berenice Bejo looked fantastic, but I have little more to say other than: Shiny! Pretty!

I take three things away from this year’s Red Carpet:

  1. Kate Middleton really did bring back sleeves in formal wear.
  2. Wedding dresses for red carpet?
  3. Hollywood stylists still wholey flummoxed by boobs.

9 thoughts on “Who Did We Love and Who Did We Hate: Oscar 2012 Edition

  1. Even though I really liked Gwynnie’s and Octavia’s dresses, I’m generally anti white red carpet dresses because they look too much like wedding dresses to me. I realize my brain goes to “wedding” more easily than other people’s though.

    Anyway, your joke about Shailene Woodley’s dress is perfect.

  2. I don’t hate J Lo’s dress, I just hate that she’s the one wearing it. If this were one someone like Nicole Kidman, we’d be talking best dressed list.

    I don’t get it, because she’s clearly had better luck with Murad in the past…(see: black lace one-sleeve, and full-length strapless)


  3. THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS TODAY! I needed it. And it was, naturally, flawless.

    I don’t care much for GOOP, but I love this dress. Simple. Classic. Clean. Elegant. Surprisingly, I even like the cape!

    You hit the nail on the head with McCarthy’s dress being vomit colored. I know because I threw up when looking at it.

    And imagine how gorgeous Wiig’s dress would be in a nice color! Just imagine it. Coulda been so beautiful…

  4. I always appreciate your Oscar dress commentary! I did enjoy Emma Stone’s wonderfully red and vivacious dress. I was sad about polka dots clashing with diamonds on Natalie Portman. What did you think about pretty Jessica Chastain in a gorgeous dress that was entirely wrong for her?

    • Honestly, I had Emma Stone on my list of “likes” but I got tired of writing. (said the laziest writer.) Yes, I dug the color and the high neck and even the controvesial bow.

      I generally thought Portman looked like she was going to a garden party, not the oscars. I liked the dress, but it didn’t suit the occasion. I didn’t even get around to noticing the clash.

      I liked Jessica Chastain’s dress, even on Jessica Chastain. It didn’t really wow me, but I thought it was generally in the good column. I’m curious what about the dress you think clashes with her. Is it a frame issue? Coloring?

      • Chastain was wearing a pretty darn bold Alexander McQueen gown with a lot of big details and striking colors. That embroidery overwhelmed her. Those colors stole the show from her head. She is a tiny woman with delicate coloring. I don’t even think she should be wearing black mascara with her eyebrow color, frankly.

        Give the girl a absinthe green dress and an updo and then we’ll actually notice what she looks like. I mean, if I looked like that, I’d want to folks to see it.

  5. I wasn’t as bothered as you were about Melissa McCarthy’s dress the night of, but I’m really bothered now that I see it in full length. It’s not even the color that gets me, it’s the amount of fabric. The length is completely ridiculous and you can see it wasn’t pressed properly at the bottom. Too much of a much too delicate fabric = I’m trying to hide my body but doing a really poor job of it. She would look much better in a form-fitting structured dress.

    Completely agree with you on Viola’s boob action. Love the color, want to love it, but this is a distracting flaw. Not the way you want to be distracted by boobs…

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